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The Drill Sergeant The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:
"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good news -- Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run."
With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow.
But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:
"Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a Jeep."
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The Canoe Race A Chinese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Chinese won by a mile.
Afterward, the American team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The American management decided the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Chinese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and one person rowing. So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. After six months of hard work, they advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. So the American Team acted: To prevent losing to the Chinese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.
The next year the Chinese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses for a job well done.
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Terror Alerts In France In light of the recent security alerts in London, the French government has announced within the last hour that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Surrender' and 'Collaborate'.
The alert comes only days after a fire which destroyed France's only white flag factory, effectively paralyzing their military capability.
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Betting On The Golf Course A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation and, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.”
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Change For The Phone I dialed a wrong number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
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Who Is Superman? We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table.
When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled.
"She doesn't know who Superman is?" I whispered to my husband.
"Worse," he replied. "She doesn't know what a phone booth is."
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Did You Know.... Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
The three most valuable brand names on earth are Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser,in that order..
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days, when the engines were pulled by horses, the horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
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FREE Fridge! I bought a new fridge for our home. To get rid of the old fridge, I put it in our front yard and hung a sign on it saying "Free to good home, You want it you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it....
Evenutally, I decided that people were too untrusting of the deal, that it looked "too good to be true"...
So I changed the sign to read "Fridge for sale -- $50".
The next day someone stole it.
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The Genie Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.
You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,' said the genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish.'
'Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog.' They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. 'Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?! ' the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. 'This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?'
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,' said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. 'But now I love this woman called Camilla,' and he showed the genie the second photo. 'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'
The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said "Let's have a look at that dog again !! "
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The Diagnosis A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace the retiring country doctor. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach. "The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.
"As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
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The Dumbest Kid In The World A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"
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The Poker Game
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.
The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg
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A Bottle Of Wine For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
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Theology, Kid Style 1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda
2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce
3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet
4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison
5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene
6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita
7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy
8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn
9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis
10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan
11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer
13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy
14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter
15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry
16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark
17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha
18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes. Barbara
19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny
20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles
21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff
22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank
And, saving the best for last . .
23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas
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